改了这么多篇作文，有一个问题几乎每个学生都有：只要想描述一个名词，就上完整定语从句。
“Maradona, who was born in the Lanús district of Buenos Aires, was one of the greatest footballers who have ever played the game.”
语法没错。但「who was」「who have」让句子节奏拖沓。而《金融时报》的讣告告诉我们：很多定语从句可以省掉who/which + be，直接上分词。
FT原文节选
本文选自FT 2020年11月26日的马拉多纳讣告。一篇优秀的人物传记——描写、评价、追忆，各种定语从句密集出现：
Diego Maradona, the footballer who led Argentina to victory at the 1986 World Cup, has died at the age of 60, with the sport mourning an iconic player with few peers on the pitch but who struggled with addiction throughout his life.
Maradona, who had been born into poverty in the Lanús district of Buenos Aires, also captained his country at the 1990 World Cup.
Born into poverty in the Lanús district of Buenos Aires, Maradona rose to become one of the greatest footballers in history.
Off the pitch, well documented problems with cocaine addiction and a playboy lifestyle led to a deterioration in his private life which eventually engulfed his career.
4种定语从句简化技巧
技巧一：Born → 过去分词前置（最简单，最高频）
原文：
Born into poverty in the Lanús district of Buenos Aires, Maradona rose to become one of the greatest footballers in history.
FT并没有说 “Who was born into poverty…”，而是直接用 Born into poverty 开场。过去分词短语直接放在句首，交代背景信息。
❌ 学生初版
Maradona, who was born into poverty in the Lanús district, was a great footballer.
✅ 升级版
Born into poverty in the Lanús district, Maradona rose to become one of the greatest footballers in history.
💡 效果
- 删掉 “who was” → 信息密度翻倍
- 开头直接交代背景 → 比放在主谓之间更流畅
- 句子重心落在 rose to become（“上升为”），比 was 更有动感
公式： Born/Known/Located → [具体信息], [主语 + 动作动词]
例句： Known for his innovative teaching methods, Professor Li has inspired thousands of students.
技巧二：过去分词后置（取代 which was / that was）
原文中类似的模式：
FT在描述马拉多纳赛场以外的故事时，不会说 “the cocaine addiction which was well documented” 或 “the lifestyle which was described as playboy”——而是直接把形容词/名词短语接在后面。
❌ 学生初版
He struggled with drug addiction which was well documented by the media throughout his career.
✅ 升级版
He struggled with well documented drug addiction throughout his career.
💡 效果
- 删掉 “which was” → 词数减半
- “well documented” 前置 → 名词短语更紧凑
- 信息密度瞬间拉满
公式： [名词] [V-ed短语] → 取代 [名词] + [which/that + be + V-ed]
例句： The data collected from 500 students shows a significant improvement in writing scores.
技巧三：定语从句做同位语（with + 名词 + 修饰短语）
原文：
with the sport mourning an iconic player with few peers on the pitch but who struggled with addiction throughout his life.
这里 FT 没有用 “who had few peers” 的完整从句，而是用 with few peers（介词短语）来修饰 “an iconic player”，然后转折用了 but who struggled——用并列结构把相反的信息放在同一个修饰语里。
❌ 学生初版
He was a great player, and he had very few competitors who could match his skills. However, he struggled with addiction.
✅ 升级版
He was an iconic player with few peers on the pitch but who struggled with addiction throughout his life.
💡 效果
- “with few peers” 取代整句描写 → 极其简洁
- “but who struggled” 在同一修饰结构中完成转折 → 对比强烈
- 一个修饰语包住了整个矛盾的人生——文字密度极高
公式： [名词] with [特征A] but who [特征B]
例句： She is a student with remarkable talent but who struggles with time management.
技巧四：非限定性定语从句的 who 简化（上下文已知的信息直接用名词短语）
原文第一句：
Diego Maradona, the footballer who led Argentina to victory at the 1986 World Cup, has died at the age of 60.
这里注意：主语 “Diego Maradona” 后面跟的不是一个完整的 “who was the footballer who…”，而是直接用了 名词短语做同位语：
- 主句：Diego Maradona…has died at the age of 60
- 同位语：the footballer who led Argentina to victory（不是”who was the footballer”）
去掉 “who was”，直接把身份名词放在名字后面。
❌ 学生初版
Diego Maradona, who was a footballer and who led Argentina to the 1986 World Cup victory, died at age 60.
✅ 升级版
Diego Maradona, the footballer who led Argentina to victory at the 1986 World Cup, has died at the age of 60.
💡 效果
- 去掉 “who was a” → 同位语直接定义身份
- 删一个完整从句 → 主语到动词的距离缩短一半
- 先给核心身份（the footballer），再补充具体事迹（who led…）
公式： [人名], [the + 身份名词 + 定语从句], [动词 + 主要信息]
例句： Elon Musk, the entrepreneur who founded Tesla and SpaceX, announced a new AI startup.
写法要点总结
写人物介绍时，记住三个”能省则省”：
- 能前置就前置：Born in… / Known for… → 直接放在句首，别让 who was 拖节奏
- 能用过去分词别用定语从句：a player born into poverty ✓ → a player who was born into poverty ✗
- 能用同位语别用完整从句：Maradona, the footballer who… ✓ → Maradona, who was a footballer who… ✗
给学生的建议：写完一段后，专门扫描所有 who is/was, which is/was, that is/was——试着删掉 “is/was”，看看句子是否依然成立。大部分情况可以。
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