学生痛点:句子各写各的,名词一遍遍重复
批改作文时,最常见的段落长这样:
My school started a reading programme. The reading programme gives us 20 minutes every morning. The reading programme helps us read faster. The reading programme is very useful.
四句话,四个主语,全都叫「the reading programme」。每一句都对,但段落是散的——读者感觉在读四张独立的卡片,而不是一段话。另一种极端同样常见:学生学会了代词,于是写成 This is very useful.、It can help us.,指代对象却藏在上一句的某个角落,阅卷老师要回头猜。
外刊的做法介于两者之间:用「指示词 + 概括名词」把上一句打包成下一句的主语。今天这篇文章就是现成的示范。
📖 素材来源: FT №19 — 《约翰逊需要澳洲式的抗疫计划》(Pilita Clark,2020年11月)
FT原文
It began with news from Prime Minister Boris Johnson that it did not matter if Britain failed to get the EU trade deal it wanted by the end of the year because it could always have what he called an arrangement “like Australia’s”.
This idea of an Australian-style trade deal took off like a dingo strapped to a Saturn V rocket. There were only four days in the entire month of October when the term did not appear somewhere in the British media, news databases show. That is even more astonishing considering Australia does not actually have a comprehensive free trade agreement with the EU.
Johnson government ministers also turned out to be interested in an Australian-style points-based immigration system and an Australian-style process of sending asylum-seekers to remote island outcrops. Then they made Tony Abbott, one of our most polarising ex-prime-ministers, a UK trade adviser.
These remorseless reminders of my homeland have in one sense been a comfort, especially since said homeland has slammed its doors shut so tightly in the pandemic that I have no clue when I will see it again.
Unsettling as these restrictions are, they raise a question I often hear from Down Under: why doesn’t Mr Johnson have an Australian-style Covid policy?
Australia has had fewer than 28,000 infections all year, and just over 900 deaths compared with more than 48,000 in the UK. There are many reasons for this but they include a level of basic competence that Mr Johnson’s government has struggled to achieve, especially on the test-and-trace front.
Yet the rules endured, infections plunged and a semblance of normal life has now resumed. Could this happen in the UK? I am not sure.
中文对照
首先是英国首相鲍里斯•约翰逊表示,即使英国未能在今年底前达成它想要的欧盟贸易协议也没有关系,因为英国总能得到他所称的「澳大利亚那样」的安排。
这个有关澳大利亚式贸易协定的构想,就像一条被绑在土星五号火箭上的野狗一样拔地而起。新闻数据库显示,整个10月份,这个词没出现在英国媒体上的日子只有4天。而鉴于澳大利亚实际上并没有与欧盟达成全面自由贸易协定,这个想法就更令人吃惊了。
约翰逊政府的部长级官员们还表现出对澳大利亚式的积分制移民制度,以及澳大利亚式的将寻求庇护者送往偏远岛屿的做法感兴趣。然后他们还任命澳大利亚最容易引起分歧的前首相之一托尼•阿博特担任英国贸易顾问。
我的祖国不断被点名,在某种意义上给了我些许安慰,特别是由于这个祖国自疫情爆发后紧紧关上了它的大门,使我不知道何时能再回去。
尽管这些限制令人不安,但我经常听到澳大利亚人提出一个问题:为什么约翰逊没有实行澳大利亚式的抗疫政策?
澳大利亚感染总人数不到2.8万人,死亡人数略高于900人,而英国的死亡人数已超过4.8万人。造成这种局面的原因有很多,但其中之一就是约翰逊政府一直难以达到基本的胜任能力水平,尤其是在检测和追踪方面。
但这些规则坚持实施,感染人数大幅减少,如今某种程度的正常生活像是恢复了。这种情况会发生在英国吗?我不确定。
四个回指衔接
1. This + 概括名词:把上一句压成一个主语
原文出处: “This idea of an Australian-style trade deal took off like a dingo strapped to a Saturn V rocket.”
中文解释: 上一句讲的是约翰逊那句「英国总能得到『澳大利亚那样』的安排」。作者没有重复 an arrangement like Australia's,而是用一个概括名词 idea 把整句话打包,再加上 of 短语点明内容,变成下一句的主语。
为什么好: 学生处理「接着说到刚才那件事」只有两个办法:重复名词(重复三四次就成了上面那段阅读计划的段落),或者用裸代词(It took off…,读者不知道 it 指什么)。This + 概括名词 是第三条路:指代清楚,还能顺手把上一句的内容命名。
考场用法对比:
❌ 学生初版 The government said it would ban mobile phones in class. It caused a lot of discussion.
✅ 升级版 The government said it would ban mobile phones in class. This proposal caused a fierce debate among parents and teachers.
💡 效果
常用的概括名词有一小串,按内容挑一个就行:this idea / this proposal / this policy / this decision / this trend / this practice / this shift / this approach。注意 this 后面必须跟名词,写成 This caused a fierce debate. 就是把指代对象留给读者猜。
2. These + 复数概括名词:一口气概括整段内容
原文出处: “These remorseless reminders of my homeland have in one sense been a comfort…”;“Unsettling as these restrictions are, they raise a question I often hear from Down Under…”
中文解释: 第一句前面,作者连着列举了三件「澳大利亚式」的事(贸易协定、积分制移民、送寻求庇护者去离岛)。一个 These reminders 把这一整段收拢成一个复数主语。第二句里,these restrictions 回指上一段写的关闭边境、禁止出境等措施,紧接着用 they 接住。
为什么好: 学生写「以上这些」永远只会 These things 或者 All of them。These + 概括名词(reminders / restrictions / measures / changes / figures)既准确又有态度——remorseless(无情的)这一个形容词,就是作者对这个词的判断。
考场用法对比:
❌ 学生初版 Our school added morning reading, a writing club and a speaking corner. These things are helpful.
✅ 升级版 Our school added morning reading, a writing club and a speaking corner. These small changes have made English feel less like a test and more like a habit.
💡 效果
复数回指的三个常用名词:these measures / these changes / these figures。概括名词前可以加一个形容词表态(small changes、remorseless reminders),但只能加一个,加两个就成了堆砌。
3. the + 概括名词:定冠词说「就是前面那个」
原文出处: “There were only four days in the entire month of October when the term did not appear somewhere in the British media…”;“Yet the rules endured, infections plunged…”;“…especially since said homeland has slammed its doors shut so tightly…”
中文解释: 三处都是同一件事:用 the 告诉读者「这个名词前面出现过,就是它」。the term 指的是前一句里约翰逊说的那个说法;the rules 指的是上一段写的封锁规定;said homeland 是法律文书式的幽默写法,意思就是「前面说到的那个祖国」。
为什么好: 学生最常犯的重复毛病,其实用一个 the 就能解决:第一次出现用 a reading programme,第二次开始用 the programme(而不是再写一次 the reading programme),往下再换成 the scheme、the initiative。the 本身就是回指信号——读者看到 the,就知道往前找。
考场用法对比:
❌ 学生初版 The city opened a new library. The new library is free. The new library opens at 8am.
✅ 升级版 The city has opened a new library. The building is free to enter and opens at 8am; the scheme has already drawn 2,000 readers.
💡 效果
回指链的写法:a new library → the building → the scheme。每换一次名词,就多给一点信息(建筑、方案),段落因此向前走,而不是原地重复。
4. 代词接续 + This / That 指代整件事
原文出处: “There are many reasons for this but they include a level of basic competence that Mr Johnson’s government has struggled to achieve…”;“That is even more astonishing considering Australia does not actually have a comprehensive free trade agreement with the EU.”;“Could this happen in the UK? I am not sure.”
中文解释: 这三句回指的对象都不是一个名词,而是一整件事或一整段判断:this 回指「澳大利亚做得比英国好」这个事实;That 回指前面那条统计(整个10月只有4天没出现这个词);最后一句的 this 指的是澳洲那套严格措施带来的成效。
为什么好: 学生读到「这说明……」只会写 This shows that…。外刊把回指词直接放进各种句式里:There are many reasons for this but they include…(先承认,再给理由)、That is even more astonishing considering…(回指 + 补充背景)、Could this happen…?(用一个问句把论述推进下一段)。指代清楚之外,句子本身也有了动作。
考场用法对比:
❌ 学生初版 Many students sleep less than seven hours. This is bad.
✅ 升级版 Many students sleep less than seven hours. There are many reasons for this, but they almost always include one: the phone on the bedside table.
💡 效果
There are many reasons for this but they include… 是议论文里最稳的过渡句之一:this 回指上文现象,they 回指 reasons,一句话完成「承上」和「启下」。
一张表看懂「回指四件套」
| 回指对象 | 结构 | 作用 | FT例句 |
|---|---|---|---|
| 上一句的一件事 | This / That + 概括名词 | 打包成下一句主语 | This idea of an Australian-style trade deal took off… |
| 上一段的一串事 | These + 复数概括名词 | 收拢整段,统一下文 | These remorseless reminders of my homeland have been a comfort… |
| 前面已出现的名词 | the + 概括名词(换词不换指) | 避免重复全称 | Yet the rules endured… |
| 一整件事 / 一个判断 | This / That + 句式 | 承上并推进论述 | That is even more astonishing considering… |
同一段内容,换一种回指,段落的推进感完全不同:
原句重复版:The school built a new lab. The new lab is used every day. The new lab helps us do experiments. 回指链版:The school built a new lab. The building is used every day; this investment has changed how we learn science.
回指 vs 定语从句的 which:一个收尾,一个开头
很多同学学过「, which 指代整个句子」(用逗号 which 对上一句作评价),于是把两件事混在一起。它们的任务其实完全不同:
, which is…把评论挂在上一句的句尾,上一句是主句,评论是附属成分:The city banned cars from the old town, which many residents welcomed.This + 概括名词把上一句的内容搬到下一句的开头当主语,两句话因此平起平坐:The city banned cars from the old town. This decision divided residents.
要评价一句,用 , which;要继续推进,用 This / These + 概括名词。一篇文章里两种都用,段落才会既有归属感,又有推动力。
三个必须避开的错误:
- 指示词后面不能空着:
This is important.✗(指代对象要读者自己找)→This change is important.✓ - 指代对象必须唯一:如果上一句里有两个数字、两个人,
This就会打架。写之前先问自己:读者会不会指错? - 回指不等于逻辑:
This decision…只说明「说的是哪个决定」,并没有说明因果关系。要交代因果,还得靠because of、as a result、which means这类连接手段。
练习建议
把下面这段「四张卡片」式的段落,改写成互相咬合的一段话:
Last month our class started a recycling project. The recycling project collected 300 bottles. The recycling project made our classroom cleaner. The recycling project also taught us to sort waste.
要求:
- 至少用一个 This / These + 概括名词做第二句的主语;
- 用一次 the + 概括名词(换词回指,不许再写一次 recycling project);
- 用一次 代词接续(they / it 接住上一句的名词);
- 用一次
There are many reasons for this but they include…或That is even more… considering…把段落推下去。
写完自检:段里每个 this / these / they 的指代对象,是不是唯一的、上一句里就有的?有没有哪句话的主语又变成了全称重复?
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